On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
