Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
