They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
How external is "for external use only"?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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