Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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