I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
