I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
