im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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