Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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