dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
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He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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