around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
