lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
