my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
