i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
