I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
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i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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