I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
