I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
