Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
