I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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