he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
