My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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