The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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