bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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