he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
