Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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