So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
if only i could text you this smell
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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