She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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