If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
