If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
