you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He better not be in your backpack
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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