what day is it and did you see me today?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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