Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
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Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
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I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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