Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
