I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
