Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
