I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
