I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
how drunk are you?
Several
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
