I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
