I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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