So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Randomize
