my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die