She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
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On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
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All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.