he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME