happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.