Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
These 19 People Had Awkward Celebrity Sex Dreams
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks