I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
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She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
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If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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