I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
