he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
