Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
