Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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