i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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