even my farts smell like vagina
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
