Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
too bad you live with your parents still
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
