Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
