3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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