Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
