My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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