the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
