On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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