You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
