everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
