i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
