and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
