So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
