So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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