I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
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FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
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Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
God, I missed his penis.
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